Monday, February 28, 2011

the ramblings of a scattered mind..

''I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart i am i am i am.'' Sylvia Plath. 

Today, i have no peace of mind. Something, i hold dearly. I know i am a chronic procrastinator but really, i find my procrastination worthless if the worry of it's consequences consumes my mind. And i'm a forgetter if i can't handle something, pain, then i forget about it, just push it to the back. I feel rather overwhelmed, with everything, lately. I don't care what happens, it's easier this way or so i tell myself. Life is so simple, why must we always complicate things, because we really do, with our thoughts. We over think intricate details of silly happenings. I spend a lot of time in my head, all my time really, always thinking. Too much solitude is not a good thing for me, but i must say i love it. It's weird really. I love being with people just as much as i love being by myself.  After school i somewhat assumed things to be different, i don't know how but i just did, but now it's like the more things seem to change the more they stay the same. And the more they stay the same the more they seem to change..don't you think it's strange. Yes that is from a song, but it sounds like something i would say. I like stars. Like looking at the sky at night, and truly feeling just how small i am. In this huge universe, in the world, in comparison to the billions. So small, hardly anything. And i don't wanna fall to pieces, i wanna be strong, like the strong women i know. The women i someday want to be like. Why can't i have more control of the things i do, the things i want. Because i'm lazy that's why. I know what i have to do, i just don't want to do it with zest or any enthusiasm. Funny thing control, power, we thrive on it. Be it the false sense of control we give to our self or the worse type of control that we take from those whom we see as beneath us.  Those we see as weaker, then we over power them, without even noticing really because it happens so naturally. And i always think what if. What if things don't turn out how you plan, ''one of the main reasons why old people get nostalgic about their youth is that when they were young, they didn't know how things were gonna turn out'' what happens when you reach the point when you know that things are in fact not going to turn out how you wanted them to when you were younger. All we can really do is wait and see, and do everything that we are supposed to in getting where we want to go, right? Another funny things is youth. When we have it we don't want it. We would swop freedom for youth in a second. Swop it for independence. But when we lose our youth, and not only in terms of age but in terms of mentality and innocence, then we wish we hadn't. We all want what we don't have, but you can't want something that you already have, all you can do is appreciate it, but we don't. Not until we lose it. You don't miss the water until it's gone. And then it's too late, really. I wish i was more. More good things. I wish i was the best i could be. In everything i did. I don't mind being mediocre, though, not if i'm happy with the standard of my mediocrity. Life is too short anyway, but that's only if you're dying soon. If you die at say 80 then your life wasn't short, it was actually quite long. They say life is short because you could drop dead any second. But do we really think about death happening to us at any second? Like right now? Death, another funny thing. I don't know what's gotten into me today that i feel that i must say the first thing that pops into my mind. But this, after all is my blog. It's fear. That's what i;m feeling. At least i thing it is. I hate the feeling. Of fear. It's such a weak emotion. What do i fear? Loss. Probably. Losing people i love. Losing my dream. My religion. My way. My self. Fear, can't live with it can't tell it to screw it self. Speaking of religion, i once heard someone or perhaps read it, that you can't truly love something or someone you fear. I don't know if i disagree. To tie it up with religion. You must love God, and you have no reason to fear Him unless you know you are doing something wrong. Does that mean only good people truly love God? I'm not sure, but as a normal, imperfect person i must say that i fear and love Him and that it's possible. Because sometimes you do things without knowing their repercussions. Anyway. Inspire me.  Maybe some of this makes no sense. But maybe, you relate to some of it, somehow. It's weird, and weird is good. Weird is interesting. To me. God bless us. That's all, folks.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Univershity :/

The hot sun and cool breeze hit me as i stepped out of the car feeling confident as ever in my new jeans and sandals. My timetable in hand i sucked in the atmosphere of the university. It was my first day and there were students everywhere, freedom hung over me like heaven. I remembered i had to meet the new friends i made during orientation and that we would go together to our first lecture, excited and feeling rather grown up, i set out to the new life waiting for me. It was just as i expected and i looked forward to all the new experiences.


''No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent''
-William Ellery Channing 

Okay, perky dial turned down a few thousand notches, that description is the furtherest possible of how my first day at 'univershity' actually played out. With my luck i wouldn't expect it to happen any other way, and the pessimist cynic in me was not surprised whatsoever. (After accepting my bachelor of administration offer and registering for it, i found out that i got accepted for business commerce. Naturally i had to deregister from administration and re register for commerce, sounds simple enough, but its turns out that i need a million signatures not only from the dean but from my lecturers as well) Now while registered for one thing and attending the lectures of another and knowing not many people; everyday i set out to my new hardships. I always knew i wasn't very good at making friends, not that i'm conceited or  anything but i just don't always have it in me to approach new people or sustain a conversation, especially at the beginning. However, it's not all doom and gloom, i do enjoy the lectures, even though i feel slightly behind, oh and they're all air-conditioned.

It has been a week so far and things seem to slowly get sorted, not that it has been easy, and honestly i don't know how it'll turn out hopefully for the best but so far i'm not enjoying it. And as always i know i just started, but, i CAN'T WAT FOR IT TO BE OVERRRR.

Also, i miss my school friends so much, they all seem to have moved on, which is all well and fine. I guess we all have to at some point.

Over and out.