Blanked.

I hate it when i want to write but all my main thoughts seem incomplete. Well, it's 15th March, it's my birthday tomorrow..i turn 18. I'm not as excited as i usually am, i hope i'm not mentally getting old..although i feel old. Not too much tonight. Also, i want to start writing less about myself and start writing more about my opinions on things, whatever they may be.

God Bless and Good Night.

the ramblings of a scattered mind..

''I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart i am i am i am.'' Sylvia Plath. 

Today, i have no peace of mind. Something, i hold dearly. I know i am a chronic procrastinator but really, i find my procrastination worthless if the worry of it's consequences consumes my mind. And i'm a forgetter if i can't handle something, pain, then i forget about it, just push it to the back. I feel rather overwhelmed, with everything, lately. I don't care what happens, it's easier this way or so i tell myself. Life is so simple, why must we always complicate things, because we really do, with our thoughts. We over think intricate details of silly happenings. I spend a lot of time in my head, all my time really, always thinking. Too much solitude is not a good thing for me, but i must say i love it. It's weird really. I love being with people just as much as i love being by myself.  After school i somewhat assumed things to be different, i don't know how but i just did, but now it's like the more things seem to change the more they stay the same. And the more they stay the same the more they seem to change..don't you think it's strange. Yes that is from a song, but it sounds like something i would say. I like stars. Like looking at the sky at night, and truly feeling just how small i am. In this huge universe, in the world, in comparison to the billions. So small, hardly anything. And i don't wanna fall to pieces, i wanna be strong, like the strong women i know. The women i someday want to be like. Why can't i have more control of the things i do, the things i want. Because i'm lazy that's why. I know what i have to do, i just don't want to do it with zest or any enthusiasm. Funny thing control, power, we thrive on it. Be it the false sense of control we give to our self or the worse type of control that we take from those whom we see as beneath us.  Those we see as weaker, then we over power them, without even noticing really because it happens so naturally. And i always think what if. What if things don't turn out how you plan, ''one of the main reasons why old people get nostalgic about their youth is that when they were young, they didn't know how things were gonna turn out'' what happens when you reach the point when you know that things are in fact not going to turn out how you wanted them to when you were younger. All we can really do is wait and see, and do everything that we are supposed to in getting where we want to go, right? Another funny things is youth. When we have it we don't want it. We would swop freedom for youth in a second. Swop it for independence. But when we lose our youth, and not only in terms of age but in terms of mentality and innocence, then we wish we hadn't. We all want what we don't have, but you can't want something that you already have, all you can do is appreciate it, but we don't. Not until we lose it. You don't miss the water until it's gone. And then it's too late, really. I wish i was more. More good things. I wish i was the best i could be. In everything i did. I don't mind being mediocre, though, not if i'm happy with the standard of my mediocrity. Life is too short anyway, but that's only if you're dying soon. If you die at say 80 then your life wasn't short, it was actually quite long. They say life is short because you could drop dead any second. But do we really think about death happening to us at any second? Like right now? Death, another funny thing. I don't know what's gotten into me today that i feel that i must say the first thing that pops into my mind. But this, after all is my blog. It's fear. That's what i;m feeling. At least i thing it is. I hate the feeling. Of fear. It's such a weak emotion. What do i fear? Loss. Probably. Losing people i love. Losing my dream. My religion. My way. My self. Fear, can't live with it can't tell it to screw it self. Speaking of religion, i once heard someone or perhaps read it, that you can't truly love something or someone you fear. I don't know if i disagree. To tie it up with religion. You must love God, and you have no reason to fear Him unless you know you are doing something wrong. Does that mean only good people truly love God? I'm not sure, but as a normal, imperfect person i must say that i fear and love Him and that it's possible. Because sometimes you do things without knowing their repercussions. Anyway. Inspire me.  Maybe some of this makes no sense. But maybe, you relate to some of it, somehow. It's weird, and weird is good. Weird is interesting. To me. God bless us. That's all, folks.

Univershity :/

The hot sun and cool breeze hit me as i stepped out of the car feeling confident as ever in my new jeans and sandals. My timetable in hand i sucked in the atmosphere of the university. It was my first day and there were students everywhere, freedom hung over me like heaven. I remembered i had to meet the new friends i made during orientation and that we would go together to our first lecture, excited and feeling rather grown up, i set out to the new life waiting for me. It was just as i expected and i looked forward to all the new experiences.

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''No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent''
-William Ellery Channing 


Okay, perky dial turned down a few thousand notches, that description is the furtherest possible of how my first day at 'univershity' actually played out. With my luck i wouldn't expect it to happen any other way, and the pessimist cynic in me was not surprised whatsoever. (After accepting my bachelor of administration offer and registering for it, i found out that i got accepted for business commerce. Naturally i had to deregister from administration and re register for commerce, sounds simple enough, but its turns out that i need a million signatures not only from the dean but from my lecturers as well) Now while registered for one thing and attending the lectures of another and knowing not many people; everyday i set out to my new hardships. I always knew i wasn't very good at making friends, not that i'm conceited or  anything but i just don't always have it in me to approach new people or sustain a conversation, especially at the beginning. However, it's not all doom and gloom, i do enjoy the lectures, even though i feel slightly behind, oh and they're all air-conditioned.

It has been a week so far and things seem to slowly get sorted, not that it has been easy, and honestly i don't know how it'll turn out hopefully for the best but so far i'm not enjoying it. And as always i know i just started, but, i CAN'T WAT FOR IT TO BE OVERRRR.

Also, i miss my school friends so much, they all seem to have moved on, which is all well and fine. I guess we all have to at some point.

Over and out.

After all..

It's been a while since i'd last written here, just got caught up in the holidays..not that i celebrate Christmas or anything but it's just the whole atmosphere i guess, and not forgetting the new year's celebrations.

A lot has happened in a short period of time, a new year with new experiences waiting to happen, new lessons and so on and so forth, but for some reason the excitement of it all has not yet hit me. I have always lived looking only at the future, that i sometimes forget to slow down and just enjoy the present, smell the flowers and what not. So, this year i have no resolutions except to 'just live' and of course get closer to my Lord, which is a lot harder than it sounds.

I have so much in my head that i want to accomplish but self doubt always seems to be getting in the way, i mean it's just difficult not knowing what's going to happen or where you will end up but in more ways than one i guess it's easier to not know then to know, ignorance is bliss after all or is it??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpLFYEsQ5co
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5mSrRGuf5U

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.

I've never really followed any blogs nor did i ever think i would start one, to be honest i thought they were really lame because it gives everyone including stupid people freedom. Freedom not only to blog about the dumbest of things but freedom to explicitly expose themselves and the people in their lives to the somewhat dangerous cyber world. They blog about every small, irrelevant, trivial thing that happens.

 

On the other hand we have genius people who channel their blogs in one direction, not only are their blogs interesting, but informative, up to date and usually makes them money. You get those people who write the most captivating an interesting stories on their blogs, as well. There are also those who start blogs and then stop blogging, the internet is full of abandoned blogs..

And lastly you have bloggers like me..somewhere in the middle of all of it. I'm relatively new to this and blog about whatever i feel like, it says so in the description. Come to think of it this would have been a good introductory post, but it's too late for that now so this is basically what i think about blogging. 

It doesn't have to be that in a blog all the visitors only speak to the creator, they can have their own side conversations too but even if they did only write to the creator so what? it is their blog after all, the visitors can have their own blogs and be the centre of attention there. It really all depends on how the blogger wants to run their blog..

Thought this was slightly interesting. Why do you blog? If you do that is. I do it for fun something to pass the time when i'm bored :)

It's not what you voice, it's how..

 ''One often contradicts an opinion when what is uncongenial is really the tone in which it was conveyed''  Friedrich Nietzsche 

Opinions are like assholes everyone has one..and that's fine because you're entitled to it, but don't people who shove it in your face so vigorously  that you wish you didn't start a conversation with them just annoy the hell out of you, unless your on a debate team.

There's a big difference between wanting people to know what you think, and wanting people to agree with you. Those who insist everybody agree with them will push points until others feel attacked. If we all had one opinion then really we would never have anything to talk about. 

There is a certain approach and method to sharing and exchanging opinions and the most important thing is to listen, after all a proper conversation should never be one- sided; express your opinions in a gentle but clear manner so that it's civilized and not in any way aggressive because that is called an argument!

''I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions i have no respect for'' Edward Gibbon

My chicas..

Yes, i've decided to dedicate a whole post to my friends because really without them things would be so lame. I'd like to state for the record that we have officially finished school and are trying to cram in some fun time before we all go our separate ways.

The hard truth is that one day we won't be as close to one another as we are now, it's inevitable..we may think about each other once in a while but it will be by a long shot that we ever find ourselves in the same place we are in now, stuck between what we want to happen and what will most probably happen..

p.s. your mothers..
:)